When Danny and Kaylee were first born, I had a cell phone, but it was minimal. No texting and certainly no internet surfing capabilities or facebook. In fact, when Danny was a baby I didn't even have a facebook account. Abby Jo has arrived and I am embarrassed at how often she must compete with the draw of my smart phone. I'm nursing her, so I check facebook or pinterest or email on my phone. She won't notice or care, will she? She starts getting smiley so I immediately try to Facetime with grandparents so they can see the smiles or I pull out my phone and try to shoot some pictures and capture the smiles. Her smiles disappear as I wedge a device between her face and mine, confused at where the familiar face went. At least it used to disappear, but lately she seems to be more accustomed to it and will keep smiling. And that's what has me worried.
How many moments have I already missed trying to respond to a text instead of watching her sleep in the crook of my arm? Am I going to remember the pin I pinned on pinterest more than I remember her bright eyes looking up at me? Her new innocence has opened my eyes to how often I let my phone distract me from what matters most. Danny is talking again about a video game or TV show that I just don't care that much about. So I tune out and look up something more interesting on my phone. Kaylee and I are playing My Little Ponies, but my phone beeps and I'm suddenly involved in a more important text conversation. Abby Jo is contentedly nuzzled up to me, dozing, so I start catching up on friends in faraway places who I will probably never actually meet again in person. And another moment, one that matters most, is lost.
The other night after her 2 month check-up and a couple shots, Abby was particularly fussy. I finally was able to settle her down after a clean diaper. She was lying on her tummy on her pink changing pad with a bright yellow long sleeved onesie. I had been considering getting PJs on her, but she quieted down before getting the onesie off and I didn't want to disturb her. She was peaceful lying on her tummy with my hand gently patting her back. She found her hand to suck on and dozed off. I reached for my phone to pass the time, but thought I'd left it in the kitchen. When I tried to move away, she startled, so I patted and patted and patted. Soon she was sleeping peacefully. So again I thought of my phone, but it wasn't where I thought it should be. I told myself to just be there. Be present in the moment right then. I looked at her soft, dark hair, reflecting on how different it was then the fluffy almost white hair Danny and Kaylee had. Her perfect little hand, now tucked under her chin. Her gentle, rhythmic breathing calmed me. I went on my knees by her changing table, tired from bending over her for so long, but kept patting her back. Soon I tuned in to other sounds in the house. Matt was tucking in Danny and Kaylee. I could hear him giving instructions about teeth and toy cleanup. I heard them pray together. Kaylee giggled as she climbed up to the top bunk. I could hear their excitement as Matt began telling them a Minetropolis story, his special bedtime routine, and let them add in the details. My exhaustion from our long day settled in, but I didn't dare move Abby, who was finally slumbering deeply. I picked up her changing pad and moved her to the ground, then lay down next to her and continued patting away. By now she probably would have been fine if I had left her to sleep, but I no longer wanted to leave. I wanted to be here, just the two of us together, listening to the sounds of storytelling and giggling and bedtime snuggles from the room next door. As I settled down on the ground, the nursing Boppy as my pillow, I felt something in my pocket. My phone. I instinctively started to reach for it, but then set it away out of reach. This time I decided I would not miss the moment.
Friday, March 07, 2014
Friday, January 24, 2014
Abigail JoAnne's Arrival
WARNING: There is a lot of detail in here, everything I want to remember, but that means there may be too much info for some to appreciate reading. You have been warned.
Both Danny and Kaylee were born on their due dates. Our third baby was due on Jan.10, and though I was tired of being pregnant, Matt and I were expecting a similar prompt arrival. This little girl had other plans for us though.
Sunday night, Dec. 29, Matt was doing some meticulous planning for a special man day for himself. Run a marathon in the morning, timed perfectly to finish and rush to an IMAX of The Hobbit. The movie would finish up just in time for him to come home and watch the Longhorns in the Alamo Bowl. I was totally on board with the plan and was surprised when in our prayer that night, he specifically asked for patience and a good attitude if the day didn't work out as planned.
The next morning, Monday Dec. 30th, Matt was off to his marathon (a free one around Lake Washington set up by the Seattle Runner's Club) before the sun, or I, were up. The kids and I slept in and it was at least 9:30 before I was getting to the shower. That's when I noticed some minor bleeding - just spotting really. This had not happened at all with my previous pregnancies though, so I was a little nervous and called the doctor's office to see if I should come in. After conversing with a nurse, I was assured it was probably just the beginning of the beginning as my cervix was thinning, so I shouldn't be too concerned. Particularly because I had not yet been having regular or painful contractions - just a few inconsistent minor ones throughout the night. I also called Matt, who was on mile 21, to let him know what was going on.
Shortly after finishing the marathon, Matt gave me a call to see how I was doing. I was still feeling unsure and had decided I wanted to go to the doctor's office after all, just to get checked out. I had never had ANY bleeding with ANY pregnancy, and it just frightened me. Matt came home, took a quick shower, grabbed some food, and then we took Danny and Kaylee to some friend's house in Snoqualmie for a play date that had already been arranged. Fortunately my friend had no other plans for the day and offered to keep them as long as needed.
It was now about 12:00. I was having more contractions by this point, but still very far apart and not very regular or painful. Once you've been through labor, you know how fast, regular, and painful they become when you are in true active labor. This was not yet active labor, but I still wanted to have my doctor check things out.
We were shocked at my 2:00 appt. when she said, "Looks like you could have a baby tonight." I was dilated to about a 3 and 90% effaced. Bonus- she was on call at the hospital that night so could deliver the baby. She stripped my membranes a bit when she was checking me to get things going more quickly. We were told to go walk around, get some food, and then head to the hospital to be rechecked there. WHAT!? It is NOT even January, let alone Jan. 10. This baby is not supposed to be here yet!
Grateful that our kids were in good hands (Thanks Wheelers), Matt and I dropped by home to take the dogs for a short walk before heading to the hospital. We had dinner at The Cheesecake Factory (I had a cheeseburger & Shirley Temple) while watching the Alamo Bowl. I still had contractions going on, but nothing to scream about. I was almost embarrassed to go to the hospital and get checked, but wanted to see how far I had progressed. There was also two other concerns: 1. My labor with Kaylee progressed SO fast. The doctor who delivered her told Matt that unless he wanted to deliver our next baby at home by himself, we ought to get to the hospital a little quicker. 2. I am GBS positive so need 4 hours of antibiotics at the hospital prior to the baby being delivered. We were not there early enough with Kaylee and had to stay at the hospital an extra day to be sure she was OK.
We arrived at the hospital about 6 PM. Sure enough, they checked me out and I had progressed very little. Certainly contractions were getting a little stronger and closer together, but if they didn't think I was far enough along to stay, I was more comfortable laboring at home anyway. We arrived home by 7, and though we'd made other arrangements for the kids (Thanks Billings), we ended up being able to tuck them in at home ourselves. In case anything should change, we did touch base with our friend Kristin to see if she was able to be on call that night.
Well, the contractions continued, getting regular, stronger, and closer together. It was finally really feeling like strong labor. By 9:30 PM I was confident that this baby was on her way, but not yet ready to return to the hospital. I never really slept, but was glad Matt was able to get a little rest. He'd been going nonstop since finishing the 26.2 miles that morning and I knew I'd need his support for the rest of this adventure.
At 1:00 AM I decided it was time to return to the hospital. We called our dear friend who hurried over to be with the kids (and dogs). I was disappointed at the hospital to find out I'd only progressed to a 4. What happened to that fast labor with Kaylee!?!? Before admitting us, the doctor had Matt and I walk around the birthing center for an hour, to hopefully speed things up.
I had decided prior to this birth that I wanted to have the experience of a drug free delivery. Mind you, I had to have the antibiotics, but I wanted to do without pitocin or an epidural. I'm not opposed to pain killers and used them with my first two deliveries, however, I wanted to have the experience of a natural birth. I wanted to see if I could do it. After having trained for and run several challenging races since Kaylee's birth, I had some new mental strength and perspective of mind over matter. I encouraged Matt to coach me through this birth experience much like he would cheer me on at a race. During contractions I pictured myself running challenging intervals around the track at 5:30 AM, anticipating the end of the pain. I reminded myself that pain meant gain - it was getting harder, but that also meant this baby was closer to her arrival.
We were officially admitted about 3:00 AM and I was dilated to a 5. My first nurse was not very nurturing, but she was just what I needed. All business without being overly intrusive or opinionated. I used a birthing ball for the first time and Matt and I spent some time walking laps around the birthing center. I rocked on a chair, sipped water, listened to our "Labor 2013/14" mix, and reminded myself over and over that this baby was all worth it.
I was discouraged when I was still progressing quite slowly. Especially with the expectation that like Kaylee's labor things would go quickly (We checked in to the hospital at 1AM and she was born at 3 AM with me progressing from a 7-10 in less than 30 minutes). At 5:30 AM my doctor counseled with me about starting pitocin or breaking my water. She was scheduled to be off duty at 7 AM, but was going to wait around so she could deliver our baby. I declined the pitocin, but at 6:30 AM had her break my water.
If this had been like my previous 2 labors, this meant I was almost finished and we would have a baby in less than 30 minutes. I had a new giddy burst of energy thinking I was almost done. "Matt, it's the last mile of the race - the finish is in sight," I said. But, this baby girl had her own ideas and we were not to meet her just yet.
The nurse shift changed and the new nurse was much more nurturing, almost too in my face. I appreciated her nurturing once the baby arrived, but in the intensity of the end of labor I just wanted to say, "SHUT UP!" During all of this, Matt was a rock. He held my hand and let me squeeze tightly. He reminded me of how strong I was. He played Katy Perry's "Roar" over and over for me, as well as other songs to pump me up from our running mix (by this point I no longer wanted the soothing music of our labor mix). But my progress had frozen. I was at a 9 and nothing was changing, so I could not yet push. It was as though the finish line kept moving further and further away.
In addition to exhaustion, I started feeling guilty that my doctor was missing out on her time at home to see her baby girl. She was staying to deliver my baby, and my baby wasn't coming! Granted, this was entirely in my head, but it added to my frustrations. The doctor emptied my bladder and I tried several different positions - left side, hunched over a bar, on my hands and knees, but baby girl was not in just the right place and that last cm would not happen. At one point I just started sobbing, so completely discouraged. So much for having a fast labor. So much for being strong. This was a low, low point, hunched over a metal bar on the edge of the hospital bed, just sobbing through painful contractions, over and over, with seemingly no progress being made. Instead of feeling strong and proud of myself, I just felt like I was such an idiot for not getting an epidural. And now it was too late and I was just so tired. Fortunately Matt buoyed me up again and I think I even let the nurturing nurse hold my hand through a few contractions.
During a short moment of relief during contractions the nurse had me lie in yet another position, on my right side. That was exactly what baby girl had been waiting for and it seemed like almost immediately, I felt the urge to push. As my doctor had said earlier, "I don't want you to push when you feel like you want to. I want you to push when you feel like you can't not push." And that's how it suddenly felt. The nurse knew and summoned my doctor again. Matt knew and held onto me as I began to shake and scream. The nurses tried to calm me reminding me to breath and use the energy to push the baby out. I don't know what was going through my mind during those moments - I think just pain. I was no longer thinking about finish lines or holding my baby - just unbearable pain that needed to end. And the only way to end it was pushing out the baby. So I pushed. And my doctor hurried in. And I pushed. And suddenly, there she was. At 8:53 AM on Dec. 31 this perfect, beautiful, little human being entered our world. Matt cut the umbilical cord and they hurriedly put her on my chest for skin to skin time. There were many tears of joy and awe, because even though we've been through this before, it is still just as miraculous to be a part of. A new little life that Heavenly Father has entrusted us with - to love, to teach, to help grow. Our family changed forever. Welcome to the world Abigail JoAnne.
Both Danny and Kaylee were born on their due dates. Our third baby was due on Jan.10, and though I was tired of being pregnant, Matt and I were expecting a similar prompt arrival. This little girl had other plans for us though.
Sunday night, Dec. 29, Matt was doing some meticulous planning for a special man day for himself. Run a marathon in the morning, timed perfectly to finish and rush to an IMAX of The Hobbit. The movie would finish up just in time for him to come home and watch the Longhorns in the Alamo Bowl. I was totally on board with the plan and was surprised when in our prayer that night, he specifically asked for patience and a good attitude if the day didn't work out as planned.
The next morning, Monday Dec. 30th, Matt was off to his marathon (a free one around Lake Washington set up by the Seattle Runner's Club) before the sun, or I, were up. The kids and I slept in and it was at least 9:30 before I was getting to the shower. That's when I noticed some minor bleeding - just spotting really. This had not happened at all with my previous pregnancies though, so I was a little nervous and called the doctor's office to see if I should come in. After conversing with a nurse, I was assured it was probably just the beginning of the beginning as my cervix was thinning, so I shouldn't be too concerned. Particularly because I had not yet been having regular or painful contractions - just a few inconsistent minor ones throughout the night. I also called Matt, who was on mile 21, to let him know what was going on.
Shortly after finishing the marathon, Matt gave me a call to see how I was doing. I was still feeling unsure and had decided I wanted to go to the doctor's office after all, just to get checked out. I had never had ANY bleeding with ANY pregnancy, and it just frightened me. Matt came home, took a quick shower, grabbed some food, and then we took Danny and Kaylee to some friend's house in Snoqualmie for a play date that had already been arranged. Fortunately my friend had no other plans for the day and offered to keep them as long as needed.
It was now about 12:00. I was having more contractions by this point, but still very far apart and not very regular or painful. Once you've been through labor, you know how fast, regular, and painful they become when you are in true active labor. This was not yet active labor, but I still wanted to have my doctor check things out.
We were shocked at my 2:00 appt. when she said, "Looks like you could have a baby tonight." I was dilated to about a 3 and 90% effaced. Bonus- she was on call at the hospital that night so could deliver the baby. She stripped my membranes a bit when she was checking me to get things going more quickly. We were told to go walk around, get some food, and then head to the hospital to be rechecked there. WHAT!? It is NOT even January, let alone Jan. 10. This baby is not supposed to be here yet!
Grateful that our kids were in good hands (Thanks Wheelers), Matt and I dropped by home to take the dogs for a short walk before heading to the hospital. We had dinner at The Cheesecake Factory (I had a cheeseburger & Shirley Temple) while watching the Alamo Bowl. I still had contractions going on, but nothing to scream about. I was almost embarrassed to go to the hospital and get checked, but wanted to see how far I had progressed. There was also two other concerns: 1. My labor with Kaylee progressed SO fast. The doctor who delivered her told Matt that unless he wanted to deliver our next baby at home by himself, we ought to get to the hospital a little quicker. 2. I am GBS positive so need 4 hours of antibiotics at the hospital prior to the baby being delivered. We were not there early enough with Kaylee and had to stay at the hospital an extra day to be sure she was OK.
We arrived at the hospital about 6 PM. Sure enough, they checked me out and I had progressed very little. Certainly contractions were getting a little stronger and closer together, but if they didn't think I was far enough along to stay, I was more comfortable laboring at home anyway. We arrived home by 7, and though we'd made other arrangements for the kids (Thanks Billings), we ended up being able to tuck them in at home ourselves. In case anything should change, we did touch base with our friend Kristin to see if she was able to be on call that night.
Well, the contractions continued, getting regular, stronger, and closer together. It was finally really feeling like strong labor. By 9:30 PM I was confident that this baby was on her way, but not yet ready to return to the hospital. I never really slept, but was glad Matt was able to get a little rest. He'd been going nonstop since finishing the 26.2 miles that morning and I knew I'd need his support for the rest of this adventure.
At 1:00 AM I decided it was time to return to the hospital. We called our dear friend who hurried over to be with the kids (and dogs). I was disappointed at the hospital to find out I'd only progressed to a 4. What happened to that fast labor with Kaylee!?!? Before admitting us, the doctor had Matt and I walk around the birthing center for an hour, to hopefully speed things up.
I had decided prior to this birth that I wanted to have the experience of a drug free delivery. Mind you, I had to have the antibiotics, but I wanted to do without pitocin or an epidural. I'm not opposed to pain killers and used them with my first two deliveries, however, I wanted to have the experience of a natural birth. I wanted to see if I could do it. After having trained for and run several challenging races since Kaylee's birth, I had some new mental strength and perspective of mind over matter. I encouraged Matt to coach me through this birth experience much like he would cheer me on at a race. During contractions I pictured myself running challenging intervals around the track at 5:30 AM, anticipating the end of the pain. I reminded myself that pain meant gain - it was getting harder, but that also meant this baby was closer to her arrival.
We were officially admitted about 3:00 AM and I was dilated to a 5. My first nurse was not very nurturing, but she was just what I needed. All business without being overly intrusive or opinionated. I used a birthing ball for the first time and Matt and I spent some time walking laps around the birthing center. I rocked on a chair, sipped water, listened to our "Labor 2013/14" mix, and reminded myself over and over that this baby was all worth it.
I was discouraged when I was still progressing quite slowly. Especially with the expectation that like Kaylee's labor things would go quickly (We checked in to the hospital at 1AM and she was born at 3 AM with me progressing from a 7-10 in less than 30 minutes). At 5:30 AM my doctor counseled with me about starting pitocin or breaking my water. She was scheduled to be off duty at 7 AM, but was going to wait around so she could deliver our baby. I declined the pitocin, but at 6:30 AM had her break my water.
If this had been like my previous 2 labors, this meant I was almost finished and we would have a baby in less than 30 minutes. I had a new giddy burst of energy thinking I was almost done. "Matt, it's the last mile of the race - the finish is in sight," I said. But, this baby girl had her own ideas and we were not to meet her just yet.
The nurse shift changed and the new nurse was much more nurturing, almost too in my face. I appreciated her nurturing once the baby arrived, but in the intensity of the end of labor I just wanted to say, "SHUT UP!" During all of this, Matt was a rock. He held my hand and let me squeeze tightly. He reminded me of how strong I was. He played Katy Perry's "Roar" over and over for me, as well as other songs to pump me up from our running mix (by this point I no longer wanted the soothing music of our labor mix). But my progress had frozen. I was at a 9 and nothing was changing, so I could not yet push. It was as though the finish line kept moving further and further away.
In addition to exhaustion, I started feeling guilty that my doctor was missing out on her time at home to see her baby girl. She was staying to deliver my baby, and my baby wasn't coming! Granted, this was entirely in my head, but it added to my frustrations. The doctor emptied my bladder and I tried several different positions - left side, hunched over a bar, on my hands and knees, but baby girl was not in just the right place and that last cm would not happen. At one point I just started sobbing, so completely discouraged. So much for having a fast labor. So much for being strong. This was a low, low point, hunched over a metal bar on the edge of the hospital bed, just sobbing through painful contractions, over and over, with seemingly no progress being made. Instead of feeling strong and proud of myself, I just felt like I was such an idiot for not getting an epidural. And now it was too late and I was just so tired. Fortunately Matt buoyed me up again and I think I even let the nurturing nurse hold my hand through a few contractions.
During a short moment of relief during contractions the nurse had me lie in yet another position, on my right side. That was exactly what baby girl had been waiting for and it seemed like almost immediately, I felt the urge to push. As my doctor had said earlier, "I don't want you to push when you feel like you want to. I want you to push when you feel like you can't not push." And that's how it suddenly felt. The nurse knew and summoned my doctor again. Matt knew and held onto me as I began to shake and scream. The nurses tried to calm me reminding me to breath and use the energy to push the baby out. I don't know what was going through my mind during those moments - I think just pain. I was no longer thinking about finish lines or holding my baby - just unbearable pain that needed to end. And the only way to end it was pushing out the baby. So I pushed. And my doctor hurried in. And I pushed. And suddenly, there she was. At 8:53 AM on Dec. 31 this perfect, beautiful, little human being entered our world. Matt cut the umbilical cord and they hurriedly put her on my chest for skin to skin time. There were many tears of joy and awe, because even though we've been through this before, it is still just as miraculous to be a part of. A new little life that Heavenly Father has entrusted us with - to love, to teach, to help grow. Our family changed forever. Welcome to the world Abigail JoAnne.
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